Attachment

When we first met our oldest foster son, he was currently placed in another foster home.  We did what is called a transition.  This transition consisted of meeting him and having him spend a couple hours at our home, then having him over for a longer period at our house, then spending the night once before us taking him into our home as a foster child.  He was 17 months old at the time, and we didn't really notice any kind of problems relating to attachment.  We seemed to bond well with him.

There wasn't any transition for our youngest foster son, as he was removed from his biological parent and placed directly with us.  This little guy came with the clothes he had on, a half a package of diapers, some wipes and about 1/4 can of formula.  We went to Wal-mart that night!

When my husband and I took our PRIDE training, there was a lot of discussion about the importance of attachment and attachment disorders.   They really stress the importance of not having a child move from home to home to home because without attaching and bonding to a family that's where attachment disorders can start and become lifelong.  All the training was focused on the actual child.

Right now paperwork is being processed for our littlest to go to family members.  We have had this little guy in our home for four months.  While our older daughters have helped to care for him, our nine year old has bonded with him as a brother would. He sings to him (don't tell him I told you!), plays with him, keeps him entertained when he's fussy. 

Our two year old foster son has also formed an attachment to him.  Even though they look nothing alike, I have been asked more than once if they are brothers.  In a sense they are.  They are the closest in age out of all the kids, they are together almost all of the time, and so they do things and go everywhere together.  I see how our two year old has gone from "No, that's MY Mommy!" to sharing his toys and even kissing the litle guy.  Just watching them together can bring tears to my eyes. 

So now, with the possibility of our little one leaving us soon, I am wondering how it will affect our family.  I know that I will be a blubbering mess, but even though I know this, I also know I will never be totally prepared for it.  I am the parent and caregiver, and I will miss him terribly because we have bonded with him, as my children have.

How will my children be affected?  My older ones get the concept.  But our two year old?  Even now when the baby goes for visits with his mom, our two year old asks "Where's the baby?"  When we first left the baby with his mom for her visit, our 2yo cried.  How will he do when this baby leaves our home for good?  What will it do to him?  And, since is not an attachment disorder, what do you call it?  There needs to be a PRIDE training on that.

I have not had to experience the letting go of one of our foster children yet.  As the time gets closer and closer, I am praying that I will handle it the best I can, and be there for my children.  I will share their grief with them.  I will share the good times, and the memories.

That, and chocolate.

Late Night Musings

I often wonder how our biological children feel having about being a foster family.  I mean how they REALLY feel.  Sure, for the most part they tell us they think it's fine.  Once in a while we'll hear, "when are they leaving?" or "it's just soooo loud in here!"    But when I watch my own children interacting and caring for our foster children, a sense of awe comes over me.  I am so proud of how they have stepped up to help with the extra work that comes with having a larger family.  When I asked our kids what they have learned since becoming a foster family, here are a few things they had to say:

*We see the munchkins grow and learn (in so many ways than just physically and developmentally!)
*Babies are very hard (This was from our 9yo son, who never hesitates to help with the boys)
*We get to connect with them and help their family (All three of our kids have met one of the birth moms)
*I don't want to have kids (until they are ready - I'm all for that)
*It's hard  (Yep, very hard.  But oh, so rewarding.)

Hey, at least they are honest.  I see how my children have cared for and loved these children like they were their own sibling.  They have welcomed them into our home so easily.  And I see the love they receive back from them.

Life is good.

Frustration

Little A has regular visits with his mommy; three days a week.  For the most part, Mom is punctual and has hardly missed a visit.

V has recently started having visits with his mom.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  Visits have  been scheduled for V to see his mom.  She has made one visit, and has had to cancel the other two. 

Two days ago I emailed his case worker our weekly schedule.  We have a doctor's appt. on the day that is usually scheduled for the non-happening visit, but I can no longer schedule around visits that don't take place.  Tonight I come home to find I have a voicemail (called at 4:55) saying that V's mom WILL be at this visit, and they are just making sure I will be there.  Hello?  Maybe my email got lost in cyberspace, maybe the dog ate it like it did my son's homework.  Maybe....

I am fortunate, I get along with both case workers these boys have.  There will always be days like today - and now tomorrow - that throw a loop in our routine of life.  Tomorrow V has a therapist coming to our house at 9am, then we go to the doctor, then we rush to have a visit.  Then off to pick up at school for an early out. 

Looks like spaghetti again for dinner

A day in the Life

Today is a visit day.  A visit day for our littlest foster son, A with his mommy.  It was also the day of our son's teacher conference before school, which made for a busy morning.  Organization is something I have always struggled with, but I am getting better.  The mornings work best when I have prepared the night before.
After the visit we head to the party store for V's Halloween costume, then home.  Time for afternoon nap - I hope! - put A down to sleep, help our 9 year old with homework, then try to get V to lay down for a nap again.  He eventually takes a much needed nap, but not without a lot of whining.  I would let him forgo these naps if he would be fine in the evening without them, but he is not.  While they are sleeping I get dinner ready because I plan on leaving right after dinner to visit a friend of mine I haven't seen in a while.

Right before dinner I ask myself, why did I make plans to visit my friend tonight?  Maybe I should call her and cancel - things are soooo chaotic at dinnertime.  Then I take a time out:  I need to have a visit with a friend, or should I say my sanity needs it!  She has no children still living at home and her house will be Quiet with a capital Q.  Oooh, I am counting the minutes for that peace and quiet if only for a few moments.

The visit was wonderful and relaxing (insert the sound of the ocean waves here!)

Back to the home front.  Bedtime rituals, make sure homework is in backpack, dishes done, tomorrow's schedule checked with everyone, A in bed, V in bed....wait, V is up.  Now he's back in bed...now up again.  You get the picture.  For someone reason it took us over an hour to get this little guy to sleep tonight! 

I'm so glad I kept my appointment with my friend!

Goodnight.

Why a blog about foster care?

Should we or shouldn't we?  I mean, really, a blog about foster care?  But why?  From the time we started the process of becoming a foster family I have always searched for other foster parents.  How long will the licensing process take?  How is the training?  Can I really do this?  How can I become the best foster parent I am capable of?  Since those long ago days - almost two years ago, we have come a long way, but still have so much more to learn.  I have enjoyed reading others' blogs and listening to podcasts about foster care, and have, in a way, connected with them through the world wide web.  I am hoping this blog will be one more source for anyone interested in the foster care system, on a personal level.